I’ve been writing songs my whole life, s-so I can sometimes do well with words.
[ . . . ]
On paper, anyway.
[Usually on paper. Less so on the spot, when he’s flustered. Maybe because he doesn’t feel as embarrassed sharing it privately, it isn’t as bad. He tries to make sense of the emotions swimming in her heart, but after her momentary surprise, he can’t quite make heads or tails of them.]
With Mizi, it was...
[He frowns, more in thought than anything. He isn’t sure he can articulate this, even to himself.]
She was kindness and warmth. She didn’t like me—not like that. I mean… she never wanted to be my exclusive partner or anything. Once, she even asked what it was I liked about her, and I already knew she liked Sua best.
[He has the grace to look a little embarrassed at this next part.]
I was shy and didn’t know what to say, so I blurted out something seriously stupid. We were only just, you know… friends. I always pictured myself looking cool for her, or even rescuing her from the Alien Stage someday.
[When he was young, his optimism had been so blind. He truly believed there would be something—some grand act—he could do to save her.]
…My feelings for Mizi were exciting and comfortable at the same time. Like I had a reason to keep trying every day, just because she existed and smiled. I always knew, though—you know—that I didn’t really have a chance. I don’t even think she likes guys. I never… expected anything.
[He never tried to pursue her. Not really. Even if, sometimes, he let himself fantasize about it.]
I guess I don't know how to explain it. It was easy to think of her as something wonderful and fantastical, like an angel. To me, it felt like she saved me every day, simply by existing.
[ she's quiet for a long time, after that. Lortel has shifted positions, folding her arms atop her knees and curling over so she can rest her cheek on the pillow they make while she watches him talk. ]
... I had something like that, too. Once.
His name is Ed. He ... saved me. He was ... the first person to ever do something for me just because. I didn't have to pay him or threaten him, it wasn't because he wanted my influence or my power... he just felt like it was the right thing to do. I was so infatuated with him.
[ she lifts her head, staring ahead, away, at nothing. ]
I knew, too, that he ... wouldn't return my feelings. I didn't want to admit it, at the time. I was determined to fight for him. But there was another girl, and she...
[ Lortel smiles, soft and and a little wounded and incredulous at her own naïveté. ]
I was never going to win against her. I was just being stubborn. I'd never known anyone like him, before. No one ever took my side... how could I possibly let him go, even if it was always hopeless?
But I've been thinking, recently, that ... that wasn't love.
[ she'd been so sure. the pounding of her heart, the heat she'd felt rise to her face, the blooming of brand new emotions she'd never experienced before. if that wasn't love, then what was?
Every day that we’re here together, I just feel so...stupidly happy and damn grateful. He’s what brings color and music to the world.
He’s my star.
now she knows the real answer, at last. ]
I'm sorry. You must be confused why I'm asking about all of this, but I... I suppose I've been having trouble understanding myself, lately. The way you describe things... I'm sure it doesn't feel that way, but you make it sound so clear. As if it were obvious. The difference between a crush, or infatuation, and ... love.
[Because Till isn't quite sure if he can pinpoint it himself. His crush had been very real, though looking back, he realizes how childish he had been. There is no doubt in his mind that Mizi is someone important to him. His feelings regarding that thought are very genuine.
At the same time, he thinks... having the crush and somewhere to direct his hopes and feelings had felt necessary.
A verse of a song trickles through his mind absently, filtering through the tether.
My feelings are: ERROR! No better options. ♪]
Does this mean... you've found someone you do think you're in love with?
[ very much despite herself, her shoulders hitch, and she'll glance away slightly as if that will somehow hide her blush, or the welter of confused feelings that spill down their tether. ]
Maybe, [ she'll whisper. the look on her face is both tender and troubled. ] It's just that...
[ ...
she glances at him, thoughtful. there aren't a lot of people she'd admit something this vulnerable to. it is entirely because she actually trusts he wouldn't use this information against her.
and isn't that remarkable... ]
... I don't want to make that kind of mistake twice. I'm not sure I could take it.
[ it's not that she wouldn't survive, but she truly doesn't know what the other side of the fallout would look like if she were wrong a second time. ]
[. . . He gets it. A crush from a distance is safe- something that exists inside your head, and if never acted upon, can't actually hurt you.
When your heart is on the line and rejection is real, it can be terrifying. Till was never able to risk himself that way before, because the thought of being abandoned or rejected had been too terrifying.
He understands exactly where she is coming from and why she's so scared.]
It's okay to take it slow and let things play out. You don't gotta rush into it or any conclusions.
[...]
But if you, like...needed someone to feel them out a bit, I could, you know, do that for you...
... you've seen him coming over, haven't you? Megumi.
[ she hasn't said anything to Ivan and Till, but Megumi certainly has been over an awful lot, and always stays the night in her room when he is. ]
It's not that... I mean, I ... [ presses a hand over her mouth, glancing away. ] We're ... dating?
[ they haven't put labels on it, but they're definitely together in some kind of way. ]
... it's just that I—
[ this is so hard to get out. she feels so strange, for it. Noah himself had been the one to encourage her to follow her heart, after all... ]
He isn't the only person I have feelings for. [ it pours out of her in a rush. ] I don't understand myself...
[ she's been so doubtful of her own judgment. she was wrong the first time, after all. does she truly even understand what it is to have feelings for another person? does she love them both? is it something else?
she's been chasing herself in circles over the whole thing for some time, now, and that stress is evident in the way she sighs and the quiet but continuous strain in their tether. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ . . . ]
On paper, anyway.
[Usually on paper. Less so on the spot, when he’s flustered. Maybe because he doesn’t feel as embarrassed sharing it privately, it isn’t as bad. He tries to make sense of the emotions swimming in her heart, but after her momentary surprise, he can’t quite make heads or tails of them.]
With Mizi, it was...
[He frowns, more in thought than anything. He isn’t sure he can articulate this, even to himself.]
She was kindness and warmth. She didn’t like me—not like that. I mean… she never wanted to be my exclusive partner or anything. Once, she even asked what it was I liked about her, and I already knew she liked Sua best.
[He has the grace to look a little embarrassed at this next part.]
I was shy and didn’t know what to say, so I blurted out something seriously stupid. We were only just, you know… friends. I always pictured myself looking cool for her, or even rescuing her from the Alien Stage someday.
[When he was young, his optimism had been so blind. He truly believed there would be something—some grand act—he could do to save her.]
…My feelings for Mizi were exciting and comfortable at the same time. Like I had a reason to keep trying every day, just because she existed and smiled. I always knew, though—you know—that I didn’t really have a chance. I don’t even think she likes guys. I never… expected anything.
[He never tried to pursue her. Not really. Even if, sometimes, he let himself fantasize about it.]
I guess I don't know how to explain it. It was easy to think of her as something wonderful and fantastical, like an angel. To me, it felt like she saved me every day, simply by existing.
no subject
... I had something like that, too. Once.
His name is Ed. He ... saved me. He was ... the first person to ever do something for me just because. I didn't have to pay him or threaten him, it wasn't because he wanted my influence or my power... he just felt like it was the right thing to do. I was so infatuated with him.
[ she lifts her head, staring ahead, away, at nothing. ]
I knew, too, that he ... wouldn't return my feelings. I didn't want to admit it, at the time. I was determined to fight for him. But there was another girl, and she...
[ Lortel smiles, soft and and a little wounded and incredulous at her own naïveté. ]
I was never going to win against her. I was just being stubborn. I'd never known anyone like him, before. No one ever took my side... how could I possibly let him go, even if it was always hopeless?
But I've been thinking, recently, that ... that wasn't love.
[ she'd been so sure. the pounding of her heart, the heat she'd felt rise to her face, the blooming of brand new emotions she'd never experienced before. if that wasn't love, then what was?
Every day that we’re here together, I just feel so...stupidly happy and damn grateful. He’s what brings color and music to the world.
He’s my star.
now she knows the real answer, at last. ]
I'm sorry. You must be confused why I'm asking about all of this, but I... I suppose I've been having trouble understanding myself, lately. The way you describe things... I'm sure it doesn't feel that way, but you make it sound so clear. As if it were obvious. The difference between a crush, or infatuation, and ... love.
no subject
[Because Till isn't quite sure if he can pinpoint it himself. His crush had been very real, though looking back, he realizes how childish he had been. There is no doubt in his mind that Mizi is someone important to him. His feelings regarding that thought are very genuine.
At the same time, he thinks... having the crush and somewhere to direct his hopes and feelings had felt necessary.
A verse of a song trickles through his mind absently, filtering through the tether.
My feelings are: ERROR! No better options. ♪]
Does this mean... you've found someone you do think you're in love with?
no subject
Maybe, [ she'll whisper. the look on her face is both tender and troubled. ] It's just that...
[ ...
she glances at him, thoughtful. there aren't a lot of people she'd admit something this vulnerable to. it is entirely because she actually trusts he wouldn't use this information against her.
and isn't that remarkable... ]
... I don't want to make that kind of mistake twice. I'm not sure I could take it.
[ it's not that she wouldn't survive, but she truly doesn't know what the other side of the fallout would look like if she were wrong a second time. ]
no subject
When your heart is on the line and rejection is real, it can be terrifying. Till was never able to risk himself that way before, because the thought of being abandoned or rejected had been too terrifying.
He understands exactly where she is coming from and why she's so scared.]
It's okay to take it slow and let things play out. You don't gotta rush into it or any conclusions.
[...]
But if you, like...needed someone to feel them out a bit, I could, you know, do that for you...
no subject
[ she hasn't said anything to Ivan and Till, but Megumi certainly has been over an awful lot, and always stays the night in her room when he is. ]
It's not that... I mean, I ... [ presses a hand over her mouth, glancing away. ] We're ... dating?
[ they haven't put labels on it, but they're definitely together in some kind of way. ]
... it's just that I—
[ this is so hard to get out. she feels so strange, for it. Noah himself had been the one to encourage her to follow her heart, after all... ]
He isn't the only person I have feelings for. [ it pours out of her in a rush. ] I don't understand myself...
[ she's been so doubtful of her own judgment. she was wrong the first time, after all. does she truly even understand what it is to have feelings for another person? does she love them both? is it something else?
she's been chasing herself in circles over the whole thing for some time, now, and that stress is evident in the way she sighs and the quiet but continuous strain in their tether. ]